


from the perfect start, to the finish line

by spiritually



Series: buck and eddie [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Compliant to a Point, Character Death, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 23:28:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30063195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiritually/pseuds/spiritually
Summary: This piqued the interests of Hen who was obviously listening in at the next table. She nudged Chimney, and soon everyone was looking at Buck, waiting for him to tell their epic love story for the ages.It wasn't that epic, really. But it was sweet, and slow, and burning, and it was the best of Buck's life.ORas buck deals with the death of Eddie, he takes several walks through memory lane(an alternate universe where Eddie dies in 3x15)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz's Parents, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: buck and eddie [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2210100
Comments: 4
Kudos: 56





	from the perfect start, to the finish line

Eddie was dead.

They discovered his waterlogged body the day after the storm, and it was swiftly decided that he died by drowning. He didn't stand a chance once that drain filled up.

His Eddie was gone, and he wasn't coming back.

Buck hadn't left his, or should he say Eddie's, bed in days. What was it, three? Four now? He glanced at the clock, which read eight in the morning, and sighed. 

Tears stung his eyes, threatening to fall, but he swallowed them and looked over to a sleeping Christopher. He promised himself that he would get up and get Chris showered yesterday, but as the hours dragged on and they sat, curled up next to each other, they decided it would be okay to spend another day like that.

"Hey, Buck," Chris muttered, rolling over. He looked up and met Buck's eyes, and immediately burst into tears. "I miss him, I want my daddy," he said in between sobs. 

Buck scooped him up and cradled him in his arms. The funeral was that day, and they needed to get ready, but he allowed himself a good cry before getting them both up and dragging to the kitchen. 

Glancing around, Buck saw Eddie everywhere. In the sink, the glasses, the furniture, the tiny spoons he insisted on having. His heart constricted in his chest and he shut his eyes tight. "How 'bout we get Jack in the Box for breakfast?" 

Chris nodded and Buck let out a sigh of relief before picking him up and walking towards the bathroom, grabbing a towel from the laundry room along the way. "Bath time?" Buck nodded and turned on the faucet. 

The next hour was a blur. They got ready for the funeral, both in nice black and white suits, though Buck let Chris wear a clip-on tie so he could take it off if it got uncomfortable. Buck's chicken nuggets sat uneaten, but Chris ate the entire croissant sandwich and Buck's fries, which was a huge relief for Buck. Neither had been in an eating mood in the prior days. By the time they made it to the funeral, he was almost completely unresponsive, in autopilot mode, turning off the emotions that everyone had already seen in the last few days.

They didn't understand, of course. How could they? Buck and Eddie kept it a secret from everyone. He twisted the ring on his left hand periodically, holding onto Christopher's hand with his right.

"Buck?" It was the priest, standing there and reaching out. "Would you like to say something about Eddie?"

The autopilot turned off, it was all him now.

He nodded and let go of Christopher's hand, promising to be right back, and walked up to the podium. His mouth felt like sandpaper, but he knew once he started talking, there would be no going back.

So he decided, for the first time in months, to tell the truth about how he felt about Eddie.

"I loved him," he said, looking for a moment into the crows. Eddie's whole family was there, along with the 118 and everyone they loved. Only Bobby was without tears, though he was clearly holding back for the sake of everyone else. Even Athena, stoic, strong Athena, seemed frail, like a strong gust of wind could blow her and her tears away. Maddie was nodding, making eye contact with him momentarily. She was holding tight to Chimney, and both seemed so cold, so broken. Hen and Karen were in a similar position, whispering to each other, probably Karen trying to calm Hen down. They stopped once Buck began speaking again.

"I loved him in the way a partner does. Someone that understands you, that you're so in sync with you don't even have to talk to communicate. It made us better firefighters, I think. You don't technically get partners in this line of work, but he definitely was mine." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I loved him in the way a best friend does, someone that would do anything, including die, for the other person. We did everything together and it still... it still wasn't enough time."

Buck hesitated. He didn't have anything prepared and was just spitting out words as fast as he could before his mind caught up with him and he collapsed in grief. What did it matter if the others knew the state of their relationship? He was never getting it back. 

"I loved him in the way a lover does." He refused to look up, instead focusing on a forlorn looking Christopher. He held up his left hand and carefully removed the ring. "We were engaged, he proposed just a few weeks before he... saved that kid. But my promise to him still stands, even if he no longer does. I'm going to keep fighting, for me and for Chris. I'm going to keep living even if it's the most painful thing on the planet because I love you, Eddie Diaz. I love you so much and I just- I can't- God, you're really gone. I'm sorry, I can't- Thank you for your time."

He looked up, if only for a moment, but regret flooded through his veins within seconds. The dropped jaws of all the people he, and Eddie, cared about were enough to make him crawl in a hole and die. "Thank you, Evan," the priest said, nodding solemnly. 

When he got back to his place in the crowd and his hand was once again in Chrispher's, he put his other hand over his face and sucked in a deep breath. It as okay to cry, he knew that, but once he started he wouldn't stop, and he didn't want to show that in public, especially when he was supposed to seem like a fit, secure adult in front of Chris. 

Chris tapped on Buck's shoulder and he crouched down, raising his eyebrows. "Was that the first time you told them about you and daddy being together?' Buck nodded. "At least you don't have to worry about HR." 

In spite of the implications of that statement, Buck laughed. He recalled one dinner conversation that Chris was definitely drawing on to come to that conclusion. 

-

"Oh god, they definitely know." Eddie had his head in his hands. "How could they not know? You're so obvious!"

Chris burst into laughter and Buck scoffed. "I'm obvious? You literally walked into work yesterday with my shirt on!"

"That was your fault! You're the one that put your shirt in my side of the closet!" Christopher's laughter was echoing through the kitchen. 

Buck bit back another retort and beamed at Eddie. "It's like we're already married."

The flare in Eddie's eyes dissipated. "Slow down there tiger. We just got engaged last month. Plus, we have to tell the others before we get married because they will literally kill us. We can't pull a Bobby and Athena and get married in secret."

"And by they," Buck added, "You mean Hen. She's talked to both of us about liking each other and we just have to deny it. That last time, she was so certain that you were in love with me that she literally told me point blank that you were. She said we were practically dating!"

"Well she's not wrong," he said with a smirk. "I am in love with you. And we didn't deny it at first. We just didn't believe it. I couldn't even.. fathom you loving me. She's the one that made me realize that I loved you."

"We owe a lot to her," Buck whispered, leaning over and kissing Eddie sweetly. Chris made a "yuck" face and giggled. "We'll tell them soon, okay? I just want a little more time without dealing with the mess of dating your coworker."

"Are you gonna be separated?" Chris asked, a deep frown setting on his face. "How are you gonna protect each other if you're not together?"

Eddie shook his head, ruffling his hair. "No, mijo, don't worry about it. We'll make sure we stick together. We make each other better, right babe?"

Buck's eyebrows were drawn together, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't worried. Eddie was able to separate his life from the job, but could Buck do that? Could Buck, with confidence, say he wouldn't freak out and cross a line if Eddie was ever in danger of dying. Would he not go to any lengths to save him, possibly even at the expense of others? He wasn't 100% sure, and that scared him. He needed to be 100% if he was going to convince Bobby to keep them together. "Yeah, you're right. I think it's time to get into bed Chris, want me to tuck you in?"

Chris nodded and Buck picked him up, swinging him around and making plane noises all the way to his bed, Chris laughing and squealing along the way. "I'm excited for you to be my other dad, Buck. We can hang out all the time!"

Buck smiled, brushing his hair out of his face. "I'm excited too, buddy. You want me to read you a story?"

Chris shook his head and giggled. "You have that look on your face that means you need to talk to dad about something important."

"You read me too well, kid. Love you." Buck kissed him on the forehead and turned off the lights in his room before walking back down towards the hall towards the kitchen, where Eddie was washing dishes.

"That was quick," Eddie said, turning around with his hands covered in bubbles. "No storytime?"

"No," Buck muttered, pushing his soapy hands away. "He knew we needed to talk about something."

Eddie's smile dropped and he tried his hands before wrapping Buck in a warm hug. "What's going on baby?"

"I feel guilty," he said, burying his head into Eddie's neck. "All the time. Not telling the station is excruciating in itself but... keeping it from Maddie, too? I don't want to pick between lying to my family and possibly losing you."

"Hey, hey," Eddie said in a soothing voice. "You're not going to lose me, okay? No matter what happens with HR, we're gonna be okay. We can tell them soon, alright? I promise."

Buck nodded. "I love you so much."

"I love you too."

-

Despite his understanding of a party to celebrate life, Buck was not in the mood. It was too fresh, he was still in the denial period. That's what his therapist said when she came to his house for a check in. But they had homemade food from Bobby's, and the other kids were always there, and Buck knew it's what Chris needed. 

But the stares and sympathetic glances made him want to run far, far away to a place where his love was alive and well.

"Buck," a voice called. He turned around slowly, walking towards his sister. Despite her being much smaller than him, her arms suffocated him in a tight hug that made his lungs feel like his heart already did. "We had no idea you guys were already together. I'm so sorry."

Soon, Buck was surrounding by his team, developing him in warmth.

And yet, he still felt so cold.

Bobby was still trying to be strong for the team, and Buck had managed to make it this far without completely breaking down. But as they looked at each other for just one moment too long, they both began to weep, holding onto each other. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Bobby muttered continuously. 

As the hours progressed, Buck felt relieved to see Chris smiling with Denny and Harry, along with Eddie's nieces and nephews. They were playing a game far too complex for any adult to understand. Buck sat with his team, mostly staying silent as the others relayed their favorite memories of Eddie. Suddenly, Chimney's eyes went wide and he tapped Bucks hand. "What's going to happen to Chris?"

Buck bliked, and like it was the most obvious thing in the world, said "Well, he'll be staying with me of course."

-

"Buck, are you sure about this?" Eddie was holding a thick stack of papers in his hands. "I know my family here is on board, but my folks in Texas don't know and I don't want there to be a legal fight-"

Buck kissed Eddie, promptly shutting him up. "You asked me to do this Eddie, don't say you're backing out now."

"I'm not!" he said quickly, dropping the papers on Buck's counter. "And this is what Chris wants. If anything happens to me-"

"Which it won't-"

"But if it does!" Eddie insisted. "If it does, I want you to take care of him. Chris wants you to take care of him. I know we've only been dating for a couple months, but you've known him and loved him for a year and a half, so we're doing this."

"I love that kid more than anything," Buck said, a smile creeping onto his lips. "I would do anything to protect him."

"I know." Eddie handed Buck a pen. "So when you sign these, you'll be his official godfather and this ensures you'll be the caregiver if... if I die."

"Which you won't," Buck repeated. He had no problem with being Christopher's godfather, but the idea of taking care of him without Eddie made him feel queasy. "I know this is just a precaution, I just don't like thinking about you dying."

Eddie held onto Buck's left hand as he skimmed through the papers, a pen in his right. "You're right, this is just a precaution. I'm not going anywhere, okay? You and I are gonna get married, maybe have another kid, grow old together... all of it. I've waited so long, trying to figure out who I am, we're gonna do it right."

Buck's heart was beating faster, he could feel it about to burst out of his chest. "You're thinking that far ahead already?"

"Like I said, I've waited so long for this," he whispered, kissing his cheek. "It took a year for us to even admit anything, and then I almost lost you and Chris during the tsunami, and then again we almost lost each other during the... the lawsuit." 

"I'm here now," Buck promised. "We have so much time together now, I'm not gonna let anything get in our way."

"Okay," he said, the lines of worry disappearing from Eddie's face. "Now let's get this legal shit over with so we can go bowling."

Buck sprung up. "Bowling? But you hate bowling."

Eddie chuckled and gave him a quick peck. "But you love it, so hurry up."

"Don't have to tell me twice."

-

"So," Mr. Diaz started, "You were in a... relationship with Eddie? A romantic one?"

Buck nodded, waiting for any response of disappointment or anger, but getting none. Mr. Diaz looked positively empty. So he turned to Mrs. Diz, whose eyes were red and puffy, and whose lips were pursed in a long line. "We were together for um, almost a year. It would've been a year in May."

Mrs. Diaz burst into tears, and Buck held his breath. That could mean many things. But she sniffed and managed to say, through a cracking voice, "He was too scared to tell us who he was and now we'll never get the chance to know the real him."

"We knew him," Mr. Diaz said, "but no one knows someone better than their... partner. It's only natural that you knew him best, Buck. The last, the last times we saw him he seemed so happy. So did Chris. You've brought... so much light into his life and for that I say thank you."

Buck swallowed, trying to keep his tears at bay. "You have no idea what that means. I know... I thought you'd be angry with me. Especially for the arrangement with Chris-"

"We spoke with him," she interrupted. "We spoke with Chris, and we know how much he loves you. We wouldn't want to... take him from that."

"Thank you," Buck muttered, relief flooding his body. Suddenly, he felt guilty for keeping their relationship secret from not only their friends, but his family. "We were going to tell you. We were just waiting for the right time."

"We know," he said. His voice wavered for a moment, but Mr. Diaz trudged on. "We were wondering... how it started."

This piqued the interest of Hen, who was obviously listening in at the next table. She nudged Chimney, and soon everyone was looking at Buck, waiting for him to tell their epic love story for the ages. 

It wasn't that epic, really. But it was sweet, and slow, and burning, and it was the best of Buck's life.

-

"She broke up with you?" Eddie was shaking his head, seemingly shocked. "How could she do that?"

Buck chuckled and sat next to Eddie on the couch, setting up his crutches. "I broke my leg, she isn't required to stay with me for it."

"Why did she date you in the first place if she couldn't handle your job?" Eddie said, throwing his hands in the air as he sat down, handing Buck a plate full of pizza. 

Buck shoved half a slice in his mouth. He wasn't eating much at his house since every step took so much energy. "Well I guess she just didn't realize that I could die at any moment on-"

"Don't say that!" Eddie snapped, shooting him a glare. Buck raised his eyebrows. "I- I just... don't like you throwing your life around like that. And you deserve better than that."

"I should just date another firefighter, someone who understands the dangers of the job," Buck muttered. He said it without thinking, without realizing who was sitting next to him.

Eddie stayed silent, and Buck mentally facepalmed. How much more obvious could he be? He dated Ali to try and get over Eddie, try to stuff his blossoming feelings deep inside of him, and now he's gone and given himself up.

"Yeah," Eddie responded, but there was an edge to his voice unfamiliar to Buck, "You can always try that dating app for first responders."

In spite of himself, Buck laughed. He didn't give himself away, but he almost hoped he did. He was tired of hiding it at this point. The past year had been excruciating, and simultaneously the best of his life. He found his best friend, but the feelings were never that simple. What started as a crush turned into deeper feelings, and it was just months before he was more in love than he'd ever been, even more than he was with Abby. 

"I uh... no I don't think that's a good idea," he muttered. As hard as he tried, he did not manage to get over Eddie, even while he was with Ali, and he didn't want to put another person through that.

Eddie clearly didn't catch onto his tone, because his next question sent Buck into a spiral of thinking that could only end destructively. "Oh, so have you already met someone? Who is she, is she a firefighter? What station-"

"I haven't met anyone," Buck interrupted. How could he fix this conversation, because Buck could tell it was going down a dangerous path. Did he want to fix it?

Of course he wanted to fix it. He needed to fix it. Eddie was straight, he lost his wife the month before, and he wasn't even close to looking for a relationship. And yet, he said "They're... it's someone I already know."

This piqued Eddie's interests. "Who is she? Why is this the first I'm hearing about this?"

"I don't have to tell you everything," Buck snapped. He instantly regretted it, feeling Eddie pull away. "I just mean that... you've been going through a lot lately, Eds. I don't want to interrupt your life over stupid romantic stuff."

Eddie settled back near Buck, this time draping one arm over his shoulder. "I'm doing alright, Buck, seriously. Obviously it was hard losing her, but..."

"But?"

"I just- Well- I wasn't exactly in love with her anymore. I don't know if I ever was. That's been harder to process than anything else." His voice started cracking, and Buck swung his head towards him.

"But you were married," Buck said. The room felt smaller, and he felt his hands getting clammy. "Why- Why did you-"

"I'm gay. That's why."

The world fell away. For just that moment, it was Buck and Eddie, on a far too small couch, practically cuddling, and Eddie just said he was gay.

_Get yourself together, Buckley._

"That must have been really, really hard to figure out. And I- I'm uh, I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me that and I, uh, I totally accept you." Eddie was looking at him expectantly, but as Buck finished, the light slipped away from his eyes, and he turned his eyes away. 

Did he say something wrong?

"Well I guess that makes three on our team. You think Bobby put a sign that said 'You don't have to be gay but it helps' when picking for our house?" A joke, that's exactly what they needed. A thinly veiled joke insinuating his sexuality.

Eddie's eyes came back to his. "What?"

"Not to overshadow your coming out," Buck said with a chuckle, "But I'm bi."

The silence in the room was deafening.

"So about that, uh, person you've been s-"

Buck leaned forward and kissed Eddie before he even had the chance to think about it. he cupped his cheek, leaning into it, waiting for Eddie to pull away.

But he didn't.

"I love you," Eddie said in between breathless kisses. "I've been waiting so long to tell you."

A giddy laugh escaped Buck as he pulled Eddie closer. "I love you so much."

"This is going to open the door to a world of complications." They pulled apart for a brief moment, still too long in Buck's opinion. 

"Or a world of possibilities," he said, smiling against Eddie's lips. He noticed his hands shaking and pulled away. "Hey, hey, Eds. Look at me. Don't worry about anything right now, okay? We have time, so much time."

Eddie nodded and sighed, running his hands up Buck's back. "You're right, we don't have to worry right now."

And they didn't worry, at least for the rest of the night.

They had plenty of time to work out the wrinkles. Sure, they wasted months of it waiting for the other to say something, but that would never compare to the years they would have with each other. The years they would have to build a life together. The years they would spend loving each other.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this after the midseason finale when i was giving up hope on buddie and i wanted to hurt, so here's my shared pain ! i am so sorry.


End file.
